


I can’t change, even if I wanted to

by LozisLaw



Series: Gingerbent [4]
Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Basketball, Beautiful, Best Friends, Children of Characters, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, F/F, Falling In Love, First Crush, First Kiss, Genderswap, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Hiding, Lesbian Moms, Love at First Sight, M/M, Partying, Pining, Scheming, Sleepovers, Teen Angst, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:28:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23170963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LozisLaw/pseuds/LozisLaw
Summary: James Broflovski-Marsh is a boy. He is a friendly, sporty, studious, and compassionate boy. He panics at the thought of breaking girls hearts, even if the thought of dating them just makes him sick. James lives in South Park.Finn McCormick is a boy. He is a carefree, mischievous, flirty boy. He shuts down girls advances before they can ask for his last name, and he bucks the social hierarchy to take photos of the goths during break. Finn lived in California, and has just moved to South Park.By the time James figures it out, he is already too far, too deep to let go. Now the problem is telling his mothers, Kylie and Stacey.How the hell will he do this?
Relationships: Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Original Characters/Original Characters
Series: Gingerbent [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1642969
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	1. When I see your eyes, I see a bright blue sky

**Author's Note:**

> *Important Notice!!!!*
> 
> -Before you read this fic, to get a comprehensive idea of the setting beforehand, I suggest reading the Gingerbent series. Many things in this story will be confusing or missed without the proper context of setting, so to enjoy this fic at it’s full potential, start with part 1: Gingerbend, and let it guide you forward ;)
> 
> If you want though (I'm not your mum) ;P

James could probably pinpoint the moment he knew. It was all Finn’s fault, from the very beginning.

James was in class that day, jotting down his work the teacher supplied them with on the board. He felt a piece of paper hit the back of his head, and thinking it was Dave again, being an asshole, he turned around ready to flip him off. There was no one there, everyone was looking down and actually doing their work for once. James was immediately suspicious of them. Not even any of the girls were looking up and secretly talking, like they usually did. He saw a crumpled up wad of paper behind his desk, so he leaned down to pick it up. It unfolded to read:

You’re so hot James, I want to date and marry you. 

-Anonymous

James knew it was a girl, none of his friends could even spell anonymous, so it wasn't a prank. The note was particularly unnerving because of it’s elaborate handwriting, and the drawn love hearts all over the paper. James felt bad, because how could so much love hearts be dedicated to just him? He didn’t love this person, whoever it was, and felt bad for letting them down for not feeling like they did. He sat staring at the paper glumly, wishing this person to not take it badly if he rejected them, when the teacher spoke up again.

‘’Okay students, we have a new kid in the class today. I know you little turdballs like to intimidate new students, but please make them feel welcome as best you retards can. So here is Finley McCormick,’’ Mr Garrison announced. James wasn’t even paying attention, too worried about what to say if this girl came up to him and said it was her letter.

‘’Dude, it’s Finn,’’ a voice corrected, laughing. James looked up from the note at that cheerful voice, and his breath shortened. At the front of the room, hoisting a black backpack over one shoulder, was a tall, tall boy with crazy platinum blonde hair, and dancing blue eyes surfing through the class with amusement. He was wearing ripped jeans and a light blue jacket, and big black doc martins. James stared at him with wonder, amazed that someone could look that effortlessly cool and unique, and yet have some innate innocence in his face. Finn caught him staring, and locked eyes with him. Suddenly uncomfortable, James diverted his eyes back to the note, but he couldn’t read any of it, the words blurred into something incomprehensible.

‘’Alright, Finn. You swim with the mermaids any time recently?’’ Mr Garrison asked, sarcastically. Finn laughed, and that made James look up again.

‘’Yeah man, I saw your dad down there. Humping the algae,’’ Finn said, and the class burst out laughing. Finn grinned out to them, and winked. James hypothesised this boy would be a heartthrob to the girls in a heart beat. Maybe James wouldn’t have to respond to the note, maybe this girl that wanted to marry him would be writing this for the new kid this second. James hoped so, but also didn’t, because he wouldn’t want to put that commitment onto this boy’s shoulders. Though capable looking shoulders, James noticed.

Mr Garrison scowled, ‘’Alright you little bastard, take a seat. I’ll assign you a buddy to get you used to the school,’’ he said. Mr Garrison scanned the room, and suddenly James wanted to be the one to show him around. He just had to know more about this kid. 

‘’Johnson, you take care of Finn for today,’’ Mr Garrison said. James shot his hand up immediately. Finn looked at him again, and James inwardly shrunk, but didn’t lower his hand.

‘’What is it, James?’’ Mr Garrison droned.

‘’Mr Garrison, may I suggest that I show the new student around. Johnson is practically new here, and probably doesn’t completely know his way around yet,’’ James pointed out. Mr Garrison sighed.

‘’Fine, whatever. Just don’t beat each other up, I really don’t want paperwork at this point in my life,’’ he said. James nodded.

‘’Finn take the seat beside Emily for now. We’re starting on history,’’ Mr Garrison said. James turned back to Johnson, making sure this was fine, and Johnson mouthed thank you to him. James smiled and nodded back before turning and resuming his work. Finn took a seat, and James watched as Emily puffed out her chest and stood up straighter, trying hard not to peek at him. James sympathised with him at that moment.

After class, James caught up with Finn as he walked out.

‘’Hey Finn! Wait up,‘’ James called. Finn turned back to him, and grinned.

‘’Hey there fella. You must be the guy all the girls talk about,‘’ Finn said. James went red, embarrassed Finn already knew about that, and confused.

‘’Who told you that?’’ James asked. Finn shrugged.

‘’I’ve heard it around,‘’ Finn said.

‘’So where are you from?’’ James asked as they walked around the school, James pointing out the obvious places to know. A good buddy did that.

‘’California. My parents moved back to their childhood home. How’s that for gay,’’ Finn said.

‘’That’s not gay, my moms did that. I was born in Denver,‘’ James said.

‘’Your moms?’’ Finn asked.

‘’Yeah, I got two moms. Is that a problem for you?’’ James asked, hoping to god and Moses he wasn’t a bigot.

‘’Nah, dude. On the contrary, I love ‘em,’’ Finn said. James smiled at him.

‘’So California? What’s it like up there?’’ James asked, trying to scrape together what little he knew about the west coast.

‘’Everyone’s a coke head, naturally. My parents didn’t want me growing up around that, so they moved us to the whitest, most redneck town they could find. South Park, obviously, was their first choice,‘’ Finn said.

‘’Did you get into that trend?’’ James asked.

‘’Oh yeah, I snort every single night. I took a hit just before class too,‘’ Finn said.

‘’What! Dude, you shouldn’t do that- you’re only 13,’’ James said, stopping in his tracks. Finn stopped too, and started smiling, and grinning wide. Then he started laughing.

‘’No fucking way. You actually believed me? Jesus, dude, how closed off to the world are you?’’ Finn asked. James frowned, annoyed he’d fallen for that now obvious lie.

‘’Whatever,‘’ James muttered. Finn laughed harder.

‘’Hey, it’s okay dude. We’re all retards sometimes,‘’ Finn said.

‘’Yeah well. I’ll just have to point and laugh at you when you fuck up,’’ James said.

‘’That’s if you can catch me,‘’ Finn said, and he took off running down the hall. James watched him in shock for a second, then tore down after him, amazed that Finn was so- something. He wanted to say effervescent, but that sounded so gay. 

James had been doing running sports since he was young, so he thought he’d catch Finn quickly, but apparently Finn was a cheetah. They raced down the halls filled with kids, laughing whenever they crashed into one of them, and eventually Finn stopped abruptly at the gymnasium doors and turned just as James catapulted into him, crashing into his chest. It was only then that James realised how tall Finn was, a full head above him. James was considered tall himself, so Finn was basically a giant, though a rather skinny and lithe one.

James looked up just as he landed into his chest, then blushed and immediately backed away. It was odd, usually he wasn’t so embarrassed roughhousing. Finn grinned down at him, his eyes were so bright and sunny.

‘’Have you considered playing basketball?’’ James asked after a moment of staring.

‘’Not really. Why, do you play?’’ Finn asked.

‘‘No, but I just think you’d be really good in the team,‘’ James said. Finn grinned, and looked at the gymnasium doors. Before James had a chance to react, Finn threw open the gymnasium doors and shouted out to the basketball team practising inside, which how he knew they were in there, was a mystery.

‘’Hey, James here wants to play in the team! He’s can run really fast!’’ Finn shouted, grabbing James' arm. The basketball payers stopped in their practise and stared, and James’ face had never been so red.

‘’Finn- no! What are you doing?’’ James whispered, trying to pull out of his strong grin. Finn wouldn’t budge.

‘’So can he play with you guys? I know he’s amazing at this game,‘’ Finn said. Finn dragged him over to the coach as the boys continued practise.

‘’You wanna be on the team?’’ The coach asked James.

‘’Yes he does!’’ Finn answered energetically before he could get a word in. The coach looked at him.

‘’Well, he’s tall, fit. You ever play before?’’ He asked.

‘’Um, yes,‘’ James answered, recounting pick up games as a kid. Forgetting that he was meant to be getting out of Finn's grip right now, to avoid his embarrassment.

‘’He’s great, I’ve seen him play,‘’ Finn said. James shot him a look, and Finn gave him one to shut up. 

‘’Well, alright. Lucky we’ve actually been short a few players. And how about you, big fella? You’re certainly tall enough to play,’’ the coach said, and James sparked an idea before Finn got a chance to squash his revenge.

‘’He’s the best at basketball. He actually won a few championships in California. He’s just been too shy to ask to join the team,‘’ James said, nudging Finn in a slightly smug way. The coach looked impressed. Finn gave him a scandalised look.

‘’Wow, son. We need players like you. Why don’t you guys introduce yourselves to the team, and we’ll rehearse for next weeks game,’’ coach said.

‘’Sure’’ Finn said through gritted teeth. The coach went back to the others, and they followed.

‘’You rotten bastard,‘’ Finn said through his smile, whispering to James. He was still holding his arm, James noticed.

‘’Serves you right, dick. Don’t fuck with me,‘’ James retorted with a grin. So that’s how they ended up on the basketball team together.

As it turned out, Finn was a master of basketball, and the best shooter James had ever seen on the team. James ended up playing as a centre, which he admittedly found very fun, and they ended up both being excited about playing in their first game. The practise ended, the coach giving them both thumbs up, and they headed to lunch.

James usually sat with one of two groups of boys in the class, and Finn followed them and sat next to him. James felt lucky, that he’d decided to be his guide and got to show him everything. The next thing that happened once they sat down, was not ideal. They were all talking, Finn was creating a storm of laughter with the boys over a story about California, and James was entertained by just staring at him, somehow. Someone poked his shoulder from behind him, and James jerked out of his trance, and turned around. One of the girls from his class, Sarah, was standing there, looking nervous. James felt a gut dreading feeling.

‘’Hey, James,‘’ Sarah said, waving a little. James felt Thomas nudge him and snicker.

‘’Oh, hey Sarah,‘’ James said, hoping it wasn’t going to be the same.

‘’I like your jacket,’’ she said. James looked down onto it, there was nothing that special about it, just a forest green bomber jacket.

‘’Uh, thanks,‘’ James said awkwardly.

‘’So- so I was wondering if you ever got that note?’’ Sarah’s asked. Oh god, no. That note, it was hers.

‘’Um, yeah,‘’ James said, looking down. How to tell her he’s not interested? How to tell her he’s not interested?

‘’So, what do you think?’’ Sarah asked.

‘’Um, I really appreciate the gesture. It’s flattering, but I’m not interested. I’m really sorry,‘’ James said, wincing. That sounded so heartless, she was probably dying inside. Maybe he should just date her, to save the suffering.

‘’Oh, okay,’’ Sarah said, walking away with her head down. James watched her go, wishing he could make it better somehow, it was heartbreaking to be rejected, he was sure. He turned back to the table, and Thomas nudged him again. 

‘’Why didn’t you say yes? Sarah’s hot, you’d be lucky to snag her, and here she is throwing herself at you. What’s wrong with you?’’ Thomas asked.

‘’I’m not into her. I wouldn’t want to string her along,‘’ James said, poking glumly at his sandwich.

‘’Where I come from, you fuck them and then tell them there’s nothing to pursue,’’ Finn said. James rolled his eyes.

‘’Woah, have you fucked girls already?’’ Dave asked. 

‘’Oh yeah. You lose your virginity at age 11 in California,‘’ Finn said, winking at James.

‘’Dude! Good for you!’’ The other boys cheered, such dumbasses. James rolled his eyes again at them.

‘’Alright, I’m gonna take a smoke,‘’ Finn said, stretching and getting up from the table. James jerked in surprise.

‘’You smoke?’’ James asked, bewildered.

‘’Yeah,’’ Finn said, and he actually looked serious this time. James had to see this. Finn walked away from the table and out of the cafeteria, the group watching after him in awe.

‘’He’s so cool,’’ one of the boys said, as James hopped out from the table and followed him.

‘’Where are you going?’’ They asked. 

James didn’t respond, just made his way out of the place and through the halls outside. He only knew about one place in the school where people went to smoke. The dumpsters near the soccer field, where the goths hung out. He remembers stories his mothers would tell him about the goths that used to be there, and how they were the ‘first of their kind’ or something. That’s how he knew about this place. He went over to this area and found Finn, his blonde hair sticking out like a strobe light against the black clad goths sitting on the ground. James was relieved when he didn’t see Finn smoking with them, then even more confused, because he never took any cigarettes out or accepted any from the goths. James watched, intrigued.

Eventually, he thought Finn just came here to talk to the goths, maybe bored with the boys company, his company. James was a little hurt by that, because he thought they were getting along great, and he might have found himself an actual potential best friend, maybe. That’s what those weird moments before were, he was just nervous that this could be permanent, and didn’t want to blow it. It wasn’t anything else, it couldn’t be.

What came next surprised James, though he’d learnt from today to never expect Finn to be a certain way, because he’d always surprise him. Finn took out a professional quality camera, and starting taking pictures of the goths, who at first snarled and didn’t want them, and eventually gave up and let him snap as many as he wanted, getting in different positions to find the best angle. James watched in amazement.

James sneaked closer to them, trying to understand this phenomenon better. In the most embarrassing moment, he didn’t watch his position clearer enough, and he caught Finn’s eye. Finn stopped photographing and faced him, laughing. James stood up straight, his face blushing like a tomato.

‘’You just gonna perv, or come over here?’’ Finn called to him. James walked over to him, mortified he’d been caught, and trying to play it off casual.

‘’What were you doing?’’ Finn asked. James looked at the ground, shrugged.

‘’Just curious. You said you were smoking- but you aren’t,’’ James said.

‘’See you’ve uncovered my terrible secret. I don’t smoke. That shit kills you. I like taking photos of people in distress and misery. It makes awesome galleries. See some of my work,‘’ Finn brought up his camera, and shifted through the memory for James to see. There was peoples faces in filtered light, all of them looking depressed and suicidal. He admittedly had some good angles on them.

‘’But why? Why lie that you’re smoking, when you’re just taking pictures?’’ James asked.

‘’It’s social piers,'' Finn said, and James looked at him with confusion. He elaborated. ''You’ve got to reach the top, otherwise you fail. That’s how it always is. You’ve got to pretend you live in the fast line, live for thrills and risks, and show people you don’t give a crap. But you do, you give the biggest crap out of anyone. That’s why you do this shit to begin with. I’m just along for the ride.’’

‘’You don’t have to though. You can still have a good experience at school without being the most popular person,‘’ James argued.

‘’What about you then? You do this shit just the same as everyone else. I saw you get asked out, sat with the popular kids, got into sports team,‘’ Finn said.

‘’I do not follow social conventions like you’re saying, I’m being myself. I can do anything I want to, and this happens to be what I want to do,’’ James said.

‘’Why don’t you prove me wrong then and sit out here with me and the goths next period?’’ Finn said.

‘’Because that’s not allowed. We should be in class next period!’’ James said, and he realised what a dork he sounded like, and Finn knew it. He grinned and gave him a look like: really? James sighed.

‘’Fine. But I’m not going to be entertained by taking pictures of sad people,‘’ James said.

‘’We should go to the courts. I admit I’m getting into basketball,‘’ Finn said.

‘’Dude, I can’t play against you, you’ll just knock the ball out from the hoop in the air,‘’ James said, and Finn laughed.

‘’No game if there’s no challenge,‘’ Finn said. They headed over and spent the rest of the day playing one-on-one, James finding better ways to steal the ball from under Finn and using his agility to his advantage. They were both red faced and laughing by the end, being complete idiots with each other, telling jokes like they were drunk. Maybe they were, James felt like it. He just loved spending time with Finn, it felt refreshing. His heart pounded hard every time Finn looked at him, but it was a good pound, not the sickening ones he’d get when a girl gave him a love note.

The school bell rang and kids started pouring out of the classrooms, and James and Finn took it as their cue to leave.

‘’So where do you live?’’ James asked as they headed out of the gates of school. Buses were taking their spots with teens lining up to board.

‘’Downtown. I walk home,‘’ Finn said, his hands in his pockets.

‘’Really? Me too, we should walk home together,‘’ James said enthusiastically. Finn grinned at his stupid happiness about those dumb things. He was being a complete reject right now.

‘’Sure dude. Super gay though, just so you know,‘’ Finn said. James laughed and shoved him with his shoulder.

‘’Whatever, you’re gay,’’ James quipped, and Finn snickered.

They trudged through the wet ground on the side path, heading through the neighborhoods of nice suburban houses. They talked about their parents, mostly James did, and Finn was weird about his. He only said vague things, that James couldn’t interpret. They made it to James’ street and parted ways.

‘’See you tomorrow, yeah?’’ James called out to Finn.

‘’If you’re lucky!’’ Finn grinned and turned around. James scoffed, but he was smiling hard. He didn’t lose his smile until he got home and his mom asked what his shit-eating grin was about.

‘’So what did that pathetic teacher manage to teach you today,’’ Kylie asked, sitting down with him at the kitchen table, James eating an afternoon PB and J sandwich he made himself.

‘’Nothing much. We got a quiz to do in history. I finished it at school,‘’ James said. Kylie smiled and ruffled his head.

‘’Mom!’’ James groaned, he was too old for that kind of affection, and she never listened.

‘’Good boy,’’ Kylie said. James kept eating when Stacey came into the room, just getting home from work.

‘’Hey honey. Good day at school?’’ Stacey asked, kissing his cheek without his permission and hugging herself around Kylie where she sat.

‘’Yeah, it was great,‘’ James said, thinking about Finn. His hair mostly, it looked like it could conduct electricity.

‘’That’s great. Keep that positive attitude up this afternoon for our guests coming over,’’ Stacey said.

‘’Huh? Who’s coming over?’’ James asked.

‘’Didn’t we tell you? Oh, well our old friends Kenna and Marjorine have just moved back to South Park, so we’re giving them a bit of a welcome. They have a son, so maybe you’ll make a new friend,’’ Kylie said. 

‘’Who’s Kenna and Marjorine?’’ James asked, trying to remember stories they might have told them. He was a bit distracted right now, he could only remember blonde and stunning blue, for some reason.

‘’We’ve told you who they are! Really James. Kenna was from South Park, like us. She started dating a girl in college, Marj, and they’re still together. Their son is both Marj and Kenna’s. They used an experimental procedure to allow both of their DNA to combine to create their son. Highly dangerous. We went with the safer option, obviously,’’ Kylie said.

‘’Ohh, them. I didn’t know they had a son,‘’ James said.

‘’Yeah, well, you’ll get to meet him this afternoon, so get ready and look nice. If you’re good you can have soft drink,’’ Stacey said. James nodded, preparing for his parents friends. They tended to be flamboyant, the ones he’d been introduced to, or just generally weird.

An hour later, he trekked downstairs in a button shirt and pants, per Kylie’s instruction, and waited at the doorway for them to arrive. Kylie and Stacey were rushing around getting things clean at the last second. They both had evening dresses on, and high heels, and James wondered how fancy these people were, if they needed this much preparation. The doorbell rang, and they both stampeded forward to open the door. In a whirlwind, everyone was shrieking, hugging, saying it’s been too long. James tried to look around to see what they looked like, and what their son looked like, but his parents were blocking all sight from the door. They let the guests inside, and James finally got to see them. Only he didn’t see them.

He only saw a split second of the two women before his eyes caught a flash of blonde he’d been daydreaming about all day now. He saw the eyes next, bright and unblinking right at him. James and Finn stared at each other, Finn seemingly as surprised as James to see each other there, standing awkwardly in the doorway of James’ house while their parents conversed around them.

‘’And this must be James. I cannot believe you are already this big! Don't kids grow up so quickly,‘’ Kenna appeared in his face, hugging him, looking very happy. James couldn’t tear his eyes away from Finn. Finn kept staring at him too. He eventually forced himself to look anywhere else, and found himself being introduced to Finn’s parents.

‘’Um, hi,‘’ James said awkwardly, and exchanged a hug with a very happy looking Marjorine.

‘’Hey little guy. Nice to meet you,’’ Marj smiled, and James spotted Finn’s eyes in her, so exactly identical and blue and sunny, like a sky.

‘’Yeah. You too,‘’ James replied, asking for help from his moms. They just smiled at him. No help whatsoever.

‘’So this is your house. Very white,‘’ Kenna said. Kylie laughed.

‘’Yeah well, we’re white,’’ Kylie said.

‘’Seriously it’s so good to see you. I hope we stay besties after all this time,‘’ Kenna said. They hugged again. James looked at Finn again. He offered nothing but a vacant stare.

‘’Oh- silly us. Meet our son, Finn. Come say hello,’’ Marj said, gesturing Finn forward. He stepped out of his apparent shock and shook Kylie and Stacey’s hands.

‘’Wow. You’re a tall boy. You ever consider playing basketball?’’ Kylie asked. Kylie had always had a passion for basketball, and James realised she would’ve wanted to know that he joined the team.

‘’Actually yes. As of today,’’ Finn said, sliding his gaze to James for a second. James saw the smirk in his eyes.

‘’Oh, well that’s great. You’ll probably be a natural. Come meet our son, James,’’ Kylie said, bringing James forward. Finn smiled at him.

‘’Uh, hello. I’m James,‘’ James said, feeling like a retard when he shook Finn’s hand.

‘’Hello James. I’m Finn,’’ Finn said, returning his dumbass awkwardness.

‘’Look at that. Best friends in the making!’’ Kenna exclaimed, holding both of their shoulders. James smiled nervously at her. This whole thing was fucking his confidence, he could hear it in his stupid uncertain voice.

‘’Well come on! We got drinks for everyone. Finn you okay with coke?’’ Kylie asked.

‘’Sure, thanks,’’ Finn said. He looked at James again, probably thinking of a joke regarding coke again. The parents walked into the kitchen to make their drinks, and James and Finn stayed in the living room, both collapsing on the couch.

‘’So’’ James said when they were just sitting next to each other silently, James plucking bits of wool from his stupidly overdressed pants. Finn was just wearing what he had on from school.

‘’So’’ Finn repeated.

‘’You’ve got two moms too,‘’ James said, suddenly unsure what to talk about. Earlier in the day he wanted to discuss everything with Finn.

‘’Yep. And it turns out they’re old friends with your parents, apparently,’’ Finn said.

‘’Weird,’’ James said. They stayed silent for what felt like an eternity longer, until their parents brought out drinks, handing Finn and James cans of coke.

The adults continued chatting animatedly together, while James and Finn watched in silence in the couch. 

‘’Hey. You wanna go up to my room?’’ James asked. He thought they might return more to what they had today if they’re parents weren’t there, eavesdropping in on their conversation. Finn smirked at him, raising his brows.

‘’Are we there already?’’ Finn asked, chuckling.

‘’Fucking- shut up,‘’ James laughed, pushing Finn up from the couch. They hurried up the stairs, away from their mingling parents and James led Finn to his room, shutting the door.

‘’So this is it,’’ James said, presenting his mostly tidy room. It was modest in size, his twin bed making up most of the furniture. Finn nodded and walked around.

‘’Sweet,’’ Finn said. He jumped onto the bed and laid down on his back, folding his arms under his head. James watched him for a moment, watching his eyes close and his breath exhale. He then decided to join him, and collapsed next to him on the bed, turning to face him. Finn shifted his head, and looked back at James.

‘’I don’t think I like your friends,’’ Finn said after a while of staring, studying each other’s faces. James nodded, ready to agree to anything Finn said right now. Anything his smile did to him from a distance, was even worse close up enough to feel his breath on his lip. He could feel his chest shaking, and worried that his heart was trying to make an escape. He did not want to analyse why right now.

‘’They’re assholes,‘’ James said. Finn inched closer to him, his body facing him now.

‘’I think I’d prefer to hang out behind the school at breaks, maybe play basketball,’’ Finn said.

‘’You wouldn’t skip every class after break- would you?’’ James asked. He was hoping to do these things with Finn, do anything.

‘’No. Not if you did it with me,’’ Finn said. James smiled, and his chest beat faster.

‘’Alright. I guess I’m done with the social piers now,‘’ James said, jokingly. He still didn’t really think they existed. Finn smiled at him, and that’s when James knew. It was the pounding of his chest, the dizziness to his brain. It was Finn, and maybe he might have fooled himself if that was the only thing, but he knew for sure when he suddenly felt the inexplicable urge to swoon forward and press his lips against Finn’s smug, soft looking ones that grinned at him like a bitch whenever he acted like a nervous fool. And because he suddenly felt like doing this, he naturally sat back up and moved away, shocked by himself to think this, or want this. Finn watched him, still lying down.

‘’You cool, dude?’’ Finn asked, as James rubbed his eyes, in a crazy awareness shocked state where his life suddenly became so clear. Dave always told him he should be salivating at the girls attempts to date him, but he was never interested. The first time he’d actually been interested was when he caught the gaze of Finn, and now he knew for sure, because he wanted to kiss that constant smug grin that fit across Finn’s edible looking lips right off his face. He wanted to right now most of all, which was distressing, because how unfortunate is Finn for James feeling this way. They’ll never be able to be best friends like James wanted before, because now he’ll always have this boy in his mind, and it’ll affect any chance of a friendship they could have.

‘’Yeah, I’m fine. Tired, is all. My moms sprung this get together on me just this afternoon,‘’ James said, staring glumly at the wall opposite his bed. Finn sat up, and seated himself right next to James. Good lord, how will he survive?

‘’Seriously? Mine have been talking about this get together for months, like your parents are their long lost relatives. They oddly never mentioned you though,’’ Finn said.

‘’Really? Mine didn’t either,‘’ James said. Another thing in common with him, fucking fantastic.

‘’So I guess if they keep these parties going, we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other,’’ Finn said.

‘’Yeah. Hooray,‘’ James said sarcastically, mostly to himself, because he’d have to try that much harder now to hide this atrocity of emotion.

‘’Ouch, am I that bad?’’ Finn asked.

‘’Nah, dude. You’re cool. Maybe we’ll just ditch our parents and shoot hoops in the court nearby,‘’ James suggested. It was better than this, being contained in his small bedroom with his new interest.

‘’Why don’t we go do that now?’’ Finn asked.

‘’We can’t now! Our parents will know,‘’ James said. Finn shrugged.

‘’We’ll just tell them we’re bonding. They’ll eat that up,’’ Finn suggested. James smiled and was agreeing before he could really think about any cons to that idea.

They snuck down the stairs, then just walked normally to the door when they saw their parents all sitting in the living room, wine glasses sloshing around and drunk laughter filling the room. Kylie noticed James just as they were opening the door.

‘’What are you doing, James?’’ Kylie asked, narrowing her eyes at him. He hoped she couldn’t see his red face and know what he was thinking, she was weirdly good at deciphering him. Apparently not when drunk though, thankfully.

‘’Just- bonding,‘’ James said, shrugging, wincing at himself for using that dumb excuse.

‘’Hey- good for you kids! Get out and socialise with the world. You do not want to know what I was doing at your age!’’ Kenna shouted to them, plastered and grinning at them drunkenly.

‘’She was giving blow jobs to the marching band,’’ Finn whispered to James in his ear. James was too distracted with Finn’s breath in his ear than what he actually said, and it rolled right off him.

‘’Right well. We’ll go now,‘’ James said, blushing as they left the house.

‘’Come back before dark,’’ Stacey called from the house just as they shut the door.

Finn and James walked in silence down the street, James sneaking looks at him, blushing every time.

‘’You know I would say that you look like a goth- but your face is always so red that it colours your whole person,’’ Finn said. James touched his face, shading deeper when he felt how hot his cheek was.

‘’Yeah, well. Good thing I didn’t want to go to goth tryouts,‘’ James said. Finn laughed.

‘’Goths are all fags anyway. You can totally tell,’’ Finn said.

‘’Oh shit. We didn’t bring a ball,‘’ James realised. They were already halfway there, it would be super embarrassing to go back with their parents watching from the living room. Finn shrugged.

‘’Eh, let’s just hang out at the court. We’ll bring one next time. No doubt this thing will be regular with our parents,’’ Finn said. James nodded, giddy and sick with that knowledge. Finn looked so good right now, his hair brushing slightly over his eyes from the wind. James now saw the similarities from his parents. He had Marj’s eyes and hair colour, and Kenna’s mischievous pretty face, and sunny skin. His height though, was a mystery, because both his parents were short. Maybe he had a grandparent who was a giant or something. James looked away when he realised he’d just been staring at Finn and admiring him as they walked. Thank god Finn didn’t notice.

They ended up just talking once they arrived, sitting down on the ground below the hoop and watching the sun disappear from the sky. They talked about their parents again, this time Finn explained more about his.

‘’So my moms are like total train wrecks on their own. My mom Kenna claimed to have fucked every guy in our parents class in high school. She said she used to sign up for sports so she could wear tiny shorts and stretch in front of boys. Sick- right? And my mom Marj- she seems all cheerful and naïve, but she isn’t. She had a tough home life growing up, like Kenna, only it was religiously strict. When she finally left for college- she went crazy with drugs and sex. She’d never done any of it before, so it was like one massive hit. She became an addict, and it’s only when she met Kenna, who had experience with drugs from her family already, and she helped her recover. They saved each other- really. And they haven’t been apart since. Then they had me. Marj did, Kenna supplied from an experimental thing,’’ Finn explained.

‘’Wow. My mom’s story is nowhere near as eventful. They fell in love in high-school, got married at 28, had me at 29, and here we are,‘’ James said.

‘’That’s not boring. That’s fucking poetic. Not many people have that easy fairytale ending, even if it is simple,’’ Finn said.

‘’I guess not,‘’ James said. They stared out to the fading skylight. Finn sighed, and James looked over to him.

‘’Do you miss California?’’ James asked. Finn shook his head.

‘’It was good. I like it here too. It’s calm, I think I could use that,’’ Finn said. James nodded. He wanted to hold Finn’s hand. He didn’t. Eventually he suggested they head back before their parents worry. Finn nodded and followed him back.

Their parents were plastered when they returned to the house. James exchanged a wary look with Finn when they found them being total drunks in the living room.

''Do you live far from here?'' James asked Finn.

''Dude, I live on the next street over,'' Finn said. James tried hard not to feel happy about that information. There's not a fucking thing he would do with that. 

''Well, good. You guys can actually get home without killing people by driving,'' James said. Finn snickered, walking to his moms.

''Mom, it's time to go,'' Finn said, taking Kenna's arm and shaking her. Kenna moaned and smiled drunkenly at him.

''Hey, dollcakes, did you have fun playing with your best friend?'' Kenna asked. Finn rolled his eyes at her to James. James smiled.

''Totally. Can you stand?'' Finn asked.

''Are you getting along enough with Kylie and Stacey's childbaby?'' Kenna asked, her eyes drooping. James blushed, finding that description ridiculous, but she was drunk, so whatever.

''Sure, mom. Can you stand up, we need to go home now,'' Finn said, brushing off her embarrassing fawning. Kenna laughed.

''That's good, because we're staying here tonight. Marj doesn't handle her booze well, so we'll use the spare bedroom. You can sleep with your best friend, it's fine,'' Kenna said. Finn widened his eyes, glancing back at James, who was internally freaking out about that prospect. Going to sleep in the same room as his newfound crush, what better way to destroy a friendship.

‘’Mom, you’re not serious, are you,’’ Finn asked.

‘’Kylie and Stace said yes, so i say yes, so get into your pj’s,’’ Kenna said, waving him off. Finn huffed, giving James an annoyed look, which James irrationally took to heart, as though he’d suggested the idea.

‘’Dude, it’s fine. I can sleep on the floor if you want,’’ James offered.

‘’Very gracious of you, bub,’’ Stacey called from the dining table, hoisting a glass of wine. The one time they had to be embarrassing, it had to be right fucking now.

They left their parents to wallow in their own drunkenness, and trekked back up to James’ room silently, James internally freaking out. What was the protocol here? He hadn’t had a sleepover since he was ten, back in denver with his old friend Billy. He hadn’t spoken to Billy in a while anyway.

‘’Um, so you can have the bed,’’ James said awkwardly, as they both stood at the doorway, unsure how to proceed.

‘’Dude, it’s your room. It’s not your fault my parents are fucktards who get wasted. Take the bed, I’ll sleep on the floor,’’ Finn said.

‘’I don’t care, I’m happy, but I’d rather you be comfortable. You’re the guest,’’ James argued. Finn laughed huffily.

‘’Okay, James. I’m giving you the bed, I’m fine. I’ve rejected your offer,’’ Finn said. James frowned.

‘’No, you have the bed, I insist. I don’t want it,’’ James said.

‘’You’re being stupid, of course you want it. Who’d rather the cold floor to a bed? Take it,’’

‘’No, you take it. Save yourself the cold floor, if no one likes it. It’s common courtesy,’’ James said.

‘’Alright, here’s an idea. We’ll share the bed, that way, no cold floor for anyone. Agreed?’’ Finn said.

‘’Fine,’’ james said huffily, speaking before he considered the implications of what he’d just agreed to. Sleeping on his single together, with their legs having to touch and overlap. What a fucking genius he was.

And what a fucking dumbass he was. Because now they were in bed together, scanning each other’s faces as they tried to lull to sleep, and James was hiding what felt like the biggest boner ever from Finn, trying to not make contact with him under the covers they pulled up over themselves. He couldn’t will it away, obviously, because the hottest guy he’d ever seen was lying in his bed with him, breathing hard through his nose and keeping his eyes shut in an attempt to sleep. James knew he wouldn’t sleep for hours, the ache in his groin tormenting him to do something about it, or get any friction, preferably against Finn. He didn’t want to think about it, because it didn’t help his situation at all, imagining what would happen, the feeling of grinding hotly on Finn’s lanky defined body against his own, feeling the heat through their clothes and knowing they were both getting closer. Oh shit.

James whined softly in his throat and shifted his hips backward, away from Finn as inconspicuously as he could. Finn stirred, but didn’t open his eyes, apparently way more tired than James felt. He sighed, trying again to think of something else, anything unsexy. Cats being thrown off cliffs, dirty socks left in the sun, his mothers fucking. That did the trick, at least until Finn snorted a little in his sleep and James found that so amazingly adorable that he nearly audibly cooed, and his boner sprang back even harder than before. Well, fuck, it was going to be an excruciatingly long night. 

He would never replace it for anything in the world.


	2. Hair like a Livewire

James made the championships with the basketball team.

The team had been practising for it for months, and James could confidently say that he and Finn were to attribute their success. Finn had become something of a shooting superstar in the school, and his popularity skyrocketed, especially amongst girls. It was nearly relieving, because Finn was suddenly the one girls wrote cringey love letters too, and he and James would laugh at them together after school in his room. The only problem now was James was experiencing something he hadn’t for a long time. A crippling jealousy that was making him resent girls as a gender entirely. And that made him feel worse, because it was so petty. Finn was his best friend, he spent the most time with him, and yet he was still greedy for more.

Once a week, their parents held dinner parties, and once a week, their parents got plastered and spent the night, and once a week Finn spent the night in James’ bed. It was James’ guilty pleasure, and his favourite time of the whole week. He never let Finn know this though, having to maintain an air of carefree indifference, for reputations sake. He could never reveal that Finn lying beside him at night gave him the hugest boner ever, because he would literally die on the spot if Finn knew. He would burn up in the sun and disappear into ash that second in an inferno.

They were practising three times a week at lunch with the team, and close to every afternoon on the courts near their neighbourhood. It was fair to say, basketball had become something of an important part of James’ life. His mom, Kylie, was ecstatic when he told her he joined the team, and so far she’s been an embarrassing, and appreciated part of his games on Fridays.

James knew he’d changed, from a time before that he used to spend lunch with a group of boys and pretend to laugh along with their dumb jokes, he was now spending either practising basketball or hanging out with Finn behind the school, where he continued to widen his photography skills with the goths. He was at first alarmed by how much he preferred hiding away from the cafeteria in his own little world with Finn, but eventually just accepted that he was never comfortable with the others. He was completely fine with spending his time with Finn anyway, who wasn’t irked by his sometimes swarming presence, as it usually felt. They were currently eating behind the school during break, sitting on the ground near the storage shed doors. Finn was splayed out casually, sucking a lollipop between his teeth, while James watched in silent awe. He was eating a pb and j sandwich, the same food he packed himself every day, but mostly just holding it close to his mouth as he watched Finn over it.

‘’Did you overhear Wes talking about the girls?’’ James asked, when a silence had stretched too long and James was worrying Finn was bored with him already. The threat was always there, because it was so obvious that Finn was cooler than him, than everyone, that he didn’t even need friends to confirm this.

‘’Wes is a whore. What did he say?’’ Finn asked, taking the lollipop out of his mouth with a pop. James blushed, for some reason.

‘’He called Mia a slut, according to him she’s kissed every boy in the class, and he’s gotten to second base with her,’’ James said. Finn snorted.

‘’I won’t bring up that obvious lie about second base, but it’s bullshit that she’s kissed everyone,’’ Finn said.

‘’I’ve never kissed anyone,’’ James admitted.

‘’What, and you think I’ve been laying chicks in the grade all this time?’’ Finn laughed. 

‘’No, what? Have you?’’ James asked. He didn’t know, they didn’t really talk about themselves in terms of crushes and shit. James wouldn’t be able to without dying on the spot anyway.

‘’I spend every day with you, you would be able to tell if I was sneaking off to make out with girls. That reminds me, I gotta go off and make out with a girl, she’s waiting for me,’’ Finn said. James shoved him, and Finn chuckled, punching James in the arm.

‘’Asshole. How would I know? You don’t tell me shit about who you like, I must assume the worst,’’ James said. Finn leaned closer and smiled at James, tilting his head up mockingly.

‘’Surely my best friend knows by now, how deeply, irreversibly in love with him I am,’’ Finn said. James knew he was riffing, but it didn’t stop the wild burn of his cheeks.

‘’Ha, and to think If he took his head out of his ass for two seconds, he’d know how much his best friend loves him back,’’ James said with a smirk, risking himself for the joke. It wouldn’t hurt anyway, Finn was adept with joking about big things like this as though they were as trivial as gum under the bleachers. Finn grinned back, showing off his white teeth.

‘’Well let’s just get married then, problem solved!’’ Finn announced loudly, throwing his arms up. James snorted, but the idea made his heart pound. He was such a cliché romantic douchebag, but he couldn’t help it.

‘’Hey douchebags, do you mind?’’ One of the goths called out to them, giving Finn and James a humourless glare.

‘’Sorry, Paul, I just thought you’d like some sunshine in your life. See someone who wasn’t choking in their own misery,’’ Finn called back light-heartedly, waving to them from across the space they occupied. The goth’s grumbled something inaudible, turning away from them. James assumed they were stewing about their conformity, like always. Finn chuckled.

‘’They’re fun,’’ he said. James laughed at that, charmed by how genuine Finn could be sometimes. After spending time with Finn’s parents for over a year now at dinners, James had discerned this was a trait from Marjorine. She was super nice, if not completely kind-hearted. James had yet to see her get angry or lose her smile. Finn was pretty much the same.

‘’Do you see bad in anything?’’ James asked, absently, not really thinking about what came out of his mouth. Finn turned back to him, smiling in a way that made his eyes glimmer. James sighed to himself at the sight, holding his chin up with his arm that was perched over his bent knee. He didn’t catch himself quick enough, because now Finn was staring back.

‘’You never told me if you liked anyone, or had secretly been making out with girls all this time,’’ Finn said.

‘’I sure didn’t,’’ James said, not catching his stupid mouth. Finn giggled, actually fucking giggled at him. James’ face was so red.

‘’So do you?’’ Finn asked earnestly. James mind caught up with him, and he shoved Finn in the shoulder.

‘’What are we, fucking girls at a sleepover? Go ask the goths, see if they admit they all want to fuck you,’’ James said, hitting Finn again when he laughed.

‘’Chill, dude. I’m not gonna send you off to military school if you like dudes,’’ Finn said. James gaped, then punched Finn harder.

‘’Very fucking funny, asshole. Why would you even say that?’’ James asked, angrily, humiliated, mostly with himself, because he’d yet to actually apply that term to himself. It seemed too- final, definite. He was anything but sure of himself right now. Finn shrugged, smiling still.

‘’I guessed,’’ Finn said, and James huffed.

‘’You’re saving the world with those assumptions,’’ James said, rolling his eyes, being sarcastic, if it wasn’t fucking clear. Shit.

‘’I know, I know. If you were gay you’d have already lost your virginity to me, so you’re not,’’ Finn said, nodding that that was the fucking case here. James snarled.

‘’Fuck you. If you’re such a sex symbol, according to yourself, why haven’t you been tonguing the rows of girls at this school lining themselves up for you,’’ James said. It wasn’t according to him though, he was a sex symbol, so much that James had been jerking off to him for months now, imagining Finn’s pink suckable lips dragging over his own, his blue eyes darkening like he wanted him, badly, and the things he would do to prove it, the way he’d feel. Fuck, James was going to freak out if he got hard right now.

‘’God, James. Get a fucking clue,’’ Finn said, huffing and turning his head away.

‘’What clue? The fuck are you talking about?’’ James asked. Finn shook his head, still avoiding his eyes. James was tempted to grab his face and turn it towards him.

‘’Nothing, whatever. Let’s go play some fucking basketball, like every other moment when talking is too fucking hard,’’ Finn said with an annoyed huff, getting up and grabbing the ball he’d been leaning on. He didn’t wait for James, just headed towards the basketball courts. James quickly hopped up, following behind him after he packed away his untouched sandwich. It’s been the fifth time that’s happened now. James ran up to catch up with Finn, who still looked pissed off. James was very confused, unsure how that conversation turned angry like it had. On the way there, they were silent, James thinking of ways to reinitiate the conversation, and scraping them.

‘’Do you really think I give a crap about the girls in our grade?’’ Finn said, breaking the silence. James turned to him, surprised when he look bothered by this.

‘’I don’t know. I don’t know much about how you are with girls. It kinda just feels like you’re holding out on them, and I feel like I’m the reason. Like you feel sorry for me, or you think I’m jealous of something,’’ James said, shrugging like this wasn’t the painful truth of his situation.

‘’You really wanna know what I’m like with girls? What I was like in California?’’ Finn asked.

‘’I mean, If you want to talk about it. It’s up to you. I’d just like to have some perspective. I like knowing everything about you,’’ James said, blushing. He didn’t mean to say that, but Finn was smiling now, so maybe that was incentive.

‘’Well, fuck. I guess we won’t be playing basketball now. Let’s just sit on the court or something,’’ Finn suggested.

‘’When do we ever actually play?’’ James joked, because it felt like they bailed whenever they started talking again.

‘’Too fucking much, dude,’’ Finn said, and James laughed. They approached the court, and placed themselves on the ground in the centre, facing opposite each other.

‘’So what do you want to know?’’ Finn asked, rolling the ball back and forth. He rolled it to James, who pushed it back, and forth when he did it again.

‘’Everything. Or, as much as you’re comfortable with,’’ James said, not wanting to sound greedy, even though he definitely was, and would hoard any information he could get.

‘’You do realise I’ll be owed a detailed exploitative essay about yourself in return, right?’’ Finn said. James huffed, but relented.

‘’Fine. Proceed, enlighten me,’’ James said, smiling, trying to keep it light.

‘’Shit, okay. You said you’ve never been kissed? Same deal here. My parents are terrific at repelling love interests, god bless them,’’ Finn said.

‘’You’re kidding? You’re such a player though, I would’ve thought-‘’ James said.

‘’Don’t assume, dude. It’s rude,’’ Finn interrupted, poking James in the chest. James grabbed his hand, holding it there at his chest while he boggled that information.

‘’Go on,’’ James encouraged, deciding he would think about that information later, probably in the late afternoon in his bed, thinking about taking Finn’s mouth virginity with his own, licking those deliciously plump lips open- okay no. He’s not thinking about it here. Finn glanced down at their hands, smirked at the hand holding, but otherwise didn’t comment. James just couldn’t right now, needed to hold something.

‘’All of my old friends from my school in California have gotten high at least once. They tried to push it on me, but like the good little catholic boy I am, I told my parents and they retaliated by moving us to South Park,’’ Finn said. James opened his mouth, lacking a response, and just stared at Finn with a quizzical expression on his face.

‘’Your turn. Tell me something,’’ Finn said, grabbing James’ other arm. They now both had a hold on each other’s arms, staring while they sat cross legged in the middle of the basketball court.

‘’The first girl that tried to kiss me, I threw up on her,’’ James said, spurting that out in one breath, and immediately regretting it. Finn burst into laughter.

‘’And you say you’re not gay!’’ Finn beamed.

‘’Fuck you! I’m not,’’ James glowered, holding his wrists tighter.

‘’Oh sure!’’ Finn did a fake cock-sucking gesture. James scoffed, but he was laughing too now, slapping Finn’s hands away when he tried to keep doing it.

‘’I crashed a high school party for a few minutes when I was 11, and I caught a guy sucking another guy’s dick in the bathroom,’’ Finn said, cutting through the laughter. James guffawed.

‘’I hear my mom’s fucking nearly every night, so I listen to queen to drown it out,’’ James said. Finn grinned, leaning closer.

‘’I hear my mom’s fucking nearly every night, so I listen to the red hot chilli peppers to drown it out,’’ Finn said. James beamed, so grateful Finn understood. He could not have asked for a better situation here.

‘’I counted 15 love notes from girls in my locker last year,’’ James said, knowing Finn could sympathise and not obsess like some of his old friends did when they still hung out.

‘’I counted 17 from this month in mine,’’ Finn said, grinning. James laughed.

‘’Okay, you win that one. Um, shit I don’t know what else,’’ James said.

‘’How about yourself. What was your first sex dream?’’ Finn asked. James gasped, and promptly punched Finn, his face burning.

‘’Fucking no way in hell am I telling you,’’ James said. Finn shrugged.

‘’I’ll tell you mine,’’ Finn said, indifferent to James’ boggling.

‘’Sick, dude,’’ James snarled, but his heart was just pounding harder at the thought.

‘’So I was alone, in my room, naked. And suddenly, the wall turned into dicks, assorted sizes. I was sad, because they were all too small, even though they were bigger than me.’’

‘’What?!’’ James said, horrified. Finn gave him a wounded look, then stifled his mouth, and erupted with laughter. His face was red, and he put his face on the ground, hitting the ground with his palm.

‘’No! No, fucking way! You- bwahahaha!’’ Finn cackled, slapping James’ knee. James grunted in annoyance, pushing Finn’s hand away when it tried to grab him for balance.

‘’You made that sound like it was real, and I just thought you were fucked up. Stop fucking laughing at me, Jesus!’’ James yelled, pushing Finn. Finn continued to lose his shit on the ground, feebly grabbing James and getting pushed off.

‘’You’re a fucking riot! Oh my god, I’m gonna pee my fucking pants!’’ Finn laughed, wiping tears from his eyes. James didn’t think it was that funny, and rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and waiting for Finn to calm down.

‘’If you’re gonna be a dick, just fuck off back to the goths,’’ James said. Finn finally removed his head from the ground, sitting back up with a red face, joy crinkled around his happy eyes, and he breathed deeply in and out.

‘’I’m sorry, I’m sorry dude. But I’m definitely pranking you on Halloween. Be prepared to have a giant cock decoration on your front lawn,’’ Finn said.

‘’If you do that, I will call the cops on you,’’ James said, pointing his finger at Finn. Finn grabbed it this time, and grinned.

‘’And I’ll just say that you’re scared of big dicks, cos they hurt too much,’’ Finn said. James scoffed.

‘’For your information, asshole, if I was gay, which I’m not, I could handle a big fucking dick. But I’m not,’’ James said, narrowing his eyes. Finn widened his own, smirking.

‘’Well have I got news for you James,’’ Finn said, grinning wider. James grinned too, daring Finn to continue. He’d figured it out. If he just answered this ridiculous stuff with more ridiculous stuff, maybe he could end the day with a sense of fucking dignity. It’s not as though Finn was taking this seriously, these gay jokes were just riffs, not real at all. If James could accept that and riff back, he’d be okay, he wouldn’t lose his mind.

‘’Are you about to tell me that you’ve got a big fucking dick? Or are you going to embarrass yourself when I tell you that you don’t?’’ James said with a leering smile.

‘’Maybe, I’ll just show you, and let you be the judge,’’ Finn said with a smile that certainly meant he won this battle. It definitely left James a bit rattled. And now he was actively preventing himself from glancing down at Finn’s crotch.

‘’Ha, If you’ve got the balls,’’ James said, figuring Finn was joking around.

‘’I do have them, and you’ll see them too,’’ Finn said.

‘’Fine!’’ James said with equal certainty, pretty sure that would never actually happen. Before Finn could respond, the bell shook them both out of the little bubble they’d blown for themselves on the basketball court, jolting them apart as though they’d been caught doing something wrong.

‘’Shit, I didn’t even realise how long we’d been here,’’ Finn said, standing up and offering James his hand, pulling him up. They grabbed the basketball and walked off the court, back towards the school. Neither of them brought up that weird conversation for the rest of the day.

**

In the afternoon after school, James had basketball practise with Finn and they headed down to the gymnasium together, having had the last class together as well. If he could be happy with that, James would sleep better at night, but since he couldn’t, his sleep suffered whenever Finn wasn’t in the same bed as him.

Once they changed into their uniforms, they joined the team doing warm ups. There weren’t many boys James knew very well, some were older than them. James could reliably say that Finn was still the best player on the team though, mostly due to his insane height. James was quite tall himself for his age, but he had nothing on Finn. He’d developed a strategy with Finn between the two of them that involved tricks where James could get the ball from centre court to Finn’s shooting position, making scoring goals much easier for the team. They bragged about this to themselves for coming up with it, because it was a large factor to being in the championships now.

‘’Marsh, McCormick, get your asses over here. Team huddle,’’ Coach called to them. The team surrounded him, Finn had to crouch to not tower over the others, and he leant on James. James ignored the thrill of the touch he got.

‘’We’ve got our first game next week, and I know most of you are excited, nervous, hungry. Whatever you teenagers feel.’’

‘’Horny,’’ Finn coughed out, earning snickers from the team and an elbow in the ribs from James, who was also snickering.

‘’So we have to work extra hard to make sure we perform the way I know you’ll are capable of doing. We start with drills, everyone line up!’’ Coach shouted, blowing his whistle.

Practising for games to start was never very fun, but James found it rewarding in the end, because they’d always finish the practise with a game, splitting the team in half for teams. Playing on the opposite side of Finn was always fun, finding ways to confront him and get close by marking each other, but James couldn’t deny that he loved working with Finn to score points with their secret trick, no one else knew about. It was worth it in the end when they scored a point, and Finn grinned out to James from the hoop, as though they were sharing a language, speaking with their eyes like; _Dude, did you see that? That was so awesome!_

After practise, James was always hot and sweaty, and walking home in the chill of the air made him freeze over. Usually he hung out with Finn after practise, either at Finn’s house if he offered, but usually at James’, since it was the designated house for their parents dinner parties. Usually, they raced up to James’ room as soon as they were in the door, but sometimes, like this time, they stopped in the kitchen for post-practise snacks. James led Finn into the kitchen, and they dug through the cupboards for something they could take upstairs. James heard the door opening as he was inspecting a box of chips ahoy, and he turned to see his mom, Kylie, coming through the kitchen.

‘’Hey, baby. Have fun at school?’’ His mom asked, putting away a cup from the sink. James reddened in humiliation at the pet name.

‘’Mom. Finn is here,’’ James said tersely, dying with embarrassment. Kylie smiled, as she always fucking did when she heard Finn’s name, and moved her head behind James to see Finn still snooping through the pantry.

‘’Don’t mind me, _baby_ ,’’ Finn said, chuckling. James resisted the urge to kick him.

‘’Did you want to stay for dinner, Finn?’’ Kylie asked, all sunshine whenever he was around. It was so annoying, because it was obvious James wasn’t the only one who thought Finn was out of his league as a friend, and his mom was too thrilled that they still hung for James liking.

‘’I would love to, Mrs Broflovski, but my mom is making a special recipe tonight, so I’ll have to decline,’’ Finn said, turning from the cupboard and to Kylie with an apologetic look. His mom grinned, shaking her head.

‘’That’s no problem Finn, thank you. See, James. That is manners,’’ His mom said, gesturing to Finn.

‘’Yeah, James. I’m a good boy,’’ Finn said, poking his back. Everyone was out to make him spontaneously combust with embarrassment, he knew it.

‘’Okay, so we’ll be going,’’ James said, grabbing Finn’s arm and the cookies and escaping his mother’s approving gaze. He didn’t let go until they made it upstairs and in James’ room, with the door firmly closed. Finn was laughing, which James didn’t appreciate.

‘’Aww, it’s not so bad being a mommas boy. I love being one,’’ Finn said. James groaned, collapsing on the bed. He closed his eyes, and felt the pressure of the bed change, knowing Finn was lying next to him. James turned to face him, his eyes still closed.

‘’She had to use that pet name,’’ James said, still feeling hot in his cheeks.

‘’It’s a cute one. _Baby,_ ’’ Finn said, testing it.

‘’God, don’t you start too,’’ James said, opening his eyes now. He startled when he saw how close Finn’s face was to his own, but he should’ve been used to that by now. Boundaries had seemed irrelevant to them since day one, when Finn had spent the night in the same bed as James upon the first day of meeting each other. They haven’t been apart since, and James felt like Finn had been missing, all that time before, because he felt so nearly complete with Finn by his side that it hurt to imagine his life without him..

‘’I still get a high doing that trick during the game,’’ Finn said, grinning. James smiled.

‘’Me too. I like cheating the competitors with you,’’ James said, jokingly, though he was mostly serious.

‘’God, you know what I was thinking before?’’ Finn said.

‘’What?’’

‘’I was just remembering that moment I met you. I saw you sitting in your seat in class, looking constipated,’’ Finn said.

‘’Dude!’’ James exclaimed, grabbing a pillow and pummelling Finn with it.

‘’And you just looked up, and your whole face changed, it was super weird, but cool. And then you ruined poor Johnsons chance to be my friend, by showing me around instead,’’ Finn said. James guffawed.

‘’I didn’t think you actually remembered that. I just saw you and thought; This dude is the coolest badass on the motherfucking planet, I must kiss the ground he walks on,’’ James said, sarcastically.

‘’I am, that’s really accurate, yes,’’ Finn said. James hit him again, both of them laughing against the bed, making it shake. Finn was holding James’ jacket zipper beside him, twisting it in his fingers.

‘’You know you didn’t really answer my question properly before,’’ Finn said, dragging his eyes up to James’.

‘’What question?’’ James asked, not remembering anything. He was just hyper-focused on Finn’s face, his eyes, his fucking tender lips, the few strands of light hair strewn across his forehead. Finn rolled his eyes.

‘’You know I see you in class, hiding the fact that you’re a fucking genius for some insane reason, but for some of the simplest shit, you’re a complete dumbass,’’ Finn said. James huffed.

‘’What’s this fucking question you apparently asked that makes me a dumbass?’’ James asked, getting annoyed now. Finn was taking his time being cryptic, but it did nothing to dissipate his hotness. Fuck.

‘’Just, ugh. Just get it. Don’t you fucking get it?’’ Finn asked, sitting up. James sat up with him.

‘’What the fuck are you trying to tell me? C’mon just spit it out, how fucking hard is it?’’ James yelled, officially pissed off. He hated not understanding somethings, and Finn was just taking his sweet time here explaining what the fuck was going on. Finn covered his face with his hands, and proceeded to bash his head into the mattress, growling into the blanket. James pulled himself fully onto the bed, turning to face Finn. He grabbed Finn’s shirt, pulling him up to face him. Finn’s teeth were bared, hands clenched around the bed, and his face was red.

‘’Fucking tell me, you pussy!’’ James growled, his own teeth bared, feeling insane, and angry. Finn grabbed both of his wrists and took no time to pin him to the bed, hovering over him, looking angry enough to spit in his face. They roughhoused all the time, but never when angry like this, and it was kind of scary, and kind of hot.

‘’Tell me,’’ James gritted out, panting against the mattress. Finn was straddling him, holding his wrists down, and panting in his face, the anger slowly dying in his eyes.

‘’I- ‘’ And then Finn leant down and kissed him.

He kissed him.

He fucking _kissed_ him.

James’s eyes shot wide open, and he kept deathly still, as Finn moved back and stared at James, his face red. They stared at each other for what felt like years, Finn still straddling James, still holding his wrists down. James breathed out heavily, hypnotised, still staring with his eyes wide.

‘’What the fuck,’’ James finally said, softly, and Finn finally did unpin his wrists. James didn’t move, kept still, kept breathing out, kept staring. Finn watched him with a red face.

‘’What can I say James? You’re fucking hot,’’ Finn said, something accusatory in his tone. James widened his eyes even further, amazed by that.

‘’Dude. That just happened, right? It wasn’t just me?’’ James asked, feeling like he had to be certain. Fucking miracles didn’t happen often.

‘’Yeah, it. It happened,’’ Finn said. James let his head fall back onto the pillow, huffing out. The silence was deafening.

‘’I’ve got no fucking idea what to do now,’’ James said, embarrassed about this. Out of all the fantasising he did, he couldn’t account for the possibility of Finn kissing him? Not fucking once did he consider it? Jesus Christ. Finn chuckled under his breath. He hadn’t left his spot sitting on James’ hips, and it was comforting right now, though also awkward, because what the fuck.

‘’I don’t know why I followed with that,’’ Finn said.

‘’Did you mean it?’’ James asked. Finn glared.

‘’No, I just fell on your lips and decided to stay,’’ Finn sarcastically replied. James rolled his eyes. He felt like they were at the height of awkwardness.

‘’So, um…’’ Finn left off there, fiddling with James’ shirt.

‘’Are we just going to agonise over this? Or can we make out now?’’ James asked, fed up with this waiting. He was officially done waiting.

‘’That would be great, thank you,’’ Finn said, and he leaned back down, slowly this time.

James was ready this time, and grabbed Finn’s hair, pulling him down completely, clumsily making their lips clash. They were both amateurs, that much became extremely obvious as they kissed with closed mouths, lips twitching together in little motions. James opened his mouth slightly, seeing other people do it this way, and started moving his lips more around Finn’s, trying to open his. Finn’s slowly obliged, parting his lips. It probably resembled a lazy attempt to eat each other’s mouths, the big clumsy strokes and mouth movements. James had no idea what he was doing, just imitating what he’d seen his mother’s do, and movies and shit. His face was red, being pinned under Finn, but the actual act of it was making his heart risk exploding right out of his chest. He was afraid Finn would hear it, but then he thought; who fucking cares if he hears it. That’s what going on now, they’re obviously going further, developing their relationship in a way friendship couldn’t, a way James had obsessed about, and probably Finn too. Finn released from his lips, panting from lack of breath pushing their lips together. James released a pent up breath, staring back at Finn. Finn’s eyes were darkened, his pupils fat.

‘’So?’’ Finn asked.

‘’Yeah, that was. I think I need practise,’’ James said, straining his head up, already feeling lost without Finn’s lips on his. Finn leaned down, nodding.

‘’Yeah, practise. We need practi- _mmph_.’’

James opened his mouth almost immediately, bolstered by the idea that Finn could want this as much as him, if not more, and softly licked into Finn’s mouth when it gasped in surprise. Finn moaned from the contact, James was so hard, but terrified to do anything about it, even when Finn shifted against his hips as he started licking back. It was so wet, James’ mouth was so wet, but he didn’t shy away, and they kept blindly brushing their tongues together. Finn gasped away from James, panting heavily, his eyes half-closed. There was spittle dripping from the corner of Finn’s mouth. James breathed out, and they immediately collapsed back together, kissing harder.

James grabbed Finn’s hair, shifting up from his position underneath him, and sitting up. Finn fell off his lap as he came up, still kissing, and they repositioned their bodies to sit opposite each other. James held Finn’s face, guiding him closer, but mostly just grabbing him, pulling him into his lap.

‘’God, I’ve been thinking about this,’’ Finn muttered against James’ lips, his breath hot. James tried to focus his breathing, but it just came out heavy.

‘’Yeah? What else have you been thinking about?’’ James asked, his voice masked with teenage lust. He put his hands on Finn’s arms, tensing, trying to hold onto something physical while his mind fluttered about nonsensically.

‘’Asshole. You first, you can’t tell me you weren’t daydreaming about me after you kissed back,’’ Finn said.

‘’Is it true you’ve got a big dick?’’ James asked. Finn giggled, putting his forehead against James. James felt the heat radiating off his body, and shivered from it, in a weird not-cold way.

‘’Why don’t you find out?’’ Finn said. James blushed, still finding that possibility too daunting.

‘’This is fucking insane. What the hell are we doing?’’ James said.

‘’Well, ah, I don’t know about you, but I’m about come in my pants if you keep moving your hips like that.’’

James didn’t even realise he’d been rolling his hips down on Finn like that, making his erection strain in his jeans. They both looked down, foreheads connected, as James continued to move about on him, gasping when the movement shot a throb of pressure up his spine. James glanced back at Finn, both so enveloped in this new rubbing development that it took a second to place the knocking on the door.

‘’James? You in there?’’ His mom called from the door. James widened his eyes at Finn, now just realising where they were. James was sitting with his legs around Finn, both of them hard, Finn’s lips fat and worked over, on the bed of James room in the quiet afternoon. He acted before another thought crossed his mind, and catapulted himself from Finn’s lap, off the bed, and leapt for the door, locking it before landing his feet back on the ground.

‘’Yes!’’ James shouted, panting and holding his weight against the door, just in case the lock wasn’t enough. He darted his eyes to Finn, who was watching him from the bed with his legs crossed. James swallowed, and took in a breath, trying to regulate his insane heartbeat.

‘’Well, your mom says Finn’s with you. Are you guys hungry? Did you want me to bring something up?’’ Stacey asked through the door.

‘’No, mom! We’re fine! Just- studying!’’ James said, wincing at his lie. Finn gave him a look, and James just shook his head, closing his eyes against the door. This was already so much to deal with.

‘’Okay. You guys let us know if you need anything,’’ his mom said.

‘’Kay, mom. Bye,’’ James said, holding his eyes shut tighter. His heart was beating like an electronic monkey, banging symbols like an alarm clock against his ribs. He listened intently as her footsteps left the hallway, and down the staircase, and let out a pent up breath. He turned back to Finn after a moment, took a deep breath in, sheepishly walking back to the bed. Finn was staring at him, and James felt awkward again.

‘’So, um,’’ James said, sitting back on the bed, at the end. He looked down, worrying his hands with his blanket. The boner he had had reliably disappeared from that fright from his mother, and now he was just confused. He didn’t know what to do now.

‘’James,’’ Finn said, making James look up. Finn looked sad, his eyes were dim.

‘’I’m sorry about my mom. It’s, you don’t have to- I mean-‘’ James was flustered, desperately wanting to get back to before, but clueless in how to go about it.

‘’James,’’ Finn repeated, now jumping over to him and grabbing his face, holding it to face his own. James was blushing, like always, but he kept his focus on Finn’s eyes.

‘’It was my biggest fucking fear that it would become awkward. And look what’s happened,’’ James said, huffing, still being held.

‘’Fucking shut up, dude. You’re talking out of your ass,’’ Finn said.

‘’If my mom had walked in. She doesn’t always knock. I would’ve died,’’ James said, looking at Finn’s lips now, wanting that heat on his own again.

‘’I can only imagine if it was my own parents,’’ Finn said, rolling his eyes.

‘’I couldn’t tell mine. I didn’t even know I was gay until you came along,’’ James admitted. Finn chuckled under his breath.

‘’I have that effect, making cute lady boys turn to the dark side,’’ Finn said. James snorted.

‘’Cute?’’ James asked, blushing. He knew he was fishing for compliments right now, and he had bigger concerns, like what the hell was going on between them.

‘’Yeah, you’re freaking cute, James. You’ve got crazy curly black locks, those little freckles on your nose that surround your cute blushing cheeks. Pink, fat, suckable lips that I’ve been fantasising about for months. And a hot little package of a body, that gets all hot and sweaty after a game. And another thing, it’s a secret,’’ Finn said, leaning in closer to James’ ear. His breath was hot, and James flushed over his entire body, from his wet lips just a fraction away from his ear.

‘’He’s got the hottest ass I’ve ever seen,’’ Finn whispered. James gasped, and his mouth was quickly covered by Finn’s again, who attacked him and flipped him onto the bed, kissing his lips open wide. James didn’t suppress his moan, wanted Finn to know how much he wanted it, and grabbed Finn’s hair, pushing him closer. Finn flattened himself onto James, and James felt it. An anaconda, hard on his leg, and only thickening. He flushed, feeling the touch go straight to his dick.

‘’Oh fuck,’’ James moaned out.

‘’Don’t you realise why I latched onto you in the first place? You just stuck out to the class like an uncut diamond in shit, and I so badly wanted to cut you, make you shiny, to rise to your calling,’’ Finn said heavily, licking James’ neck in hungry swaths of his tongue.

‘’And having a great ass somehow attributes to jewels?’’ James asked, looking up at the ceiling blearily as they humped their erections together, Finn’s face in his neck.

‘’I somehow knew about myself since I was young, but it wasn’t until I saw this boy with a pert little ass and colourful cheeks and fucking glowing lagoon eyes, that I consciously thought I was attracted to guys. I saw him, and I realised I wanted him, then and there. And I wanted him even more when I overheard the girls talking about him as though he was a Chanel leather handbag they were fighting over. But you didn’t even go for it. You don’t know how fucking happy I was every time you rejected them,’’ Finn said. James snorted, he had some idea.

‘’I rejected them because I had the biggest crush on you, dipshit. I saw you in class, this tall motherfucker with his disconnected smirk and lack for authority, suave ripped jeans and fuckin’ combat boots, eyes like a sun in the sky, and your hair,’’ James molested it as he spoke, digging his fingers through it. ‘’Your hair is the blondest, whitest thing, that I just feel like eating it when it’s like this. You fucking turned me gay, so go ahead and claim your prize,’’ James said dramatically, knowing it would work. Finn predictably lost control, dragging his hips down more frantically, and James responded by groaning and moving his hands down, gripping Finn’s waist, moving him along as he bent his knees up at the insane friction trapped under their clothes.

‘’There’s things I want to do, but I’ve got no clue how to do them,’’ Finn said. James nodded, ready for him to do anything he fucking wanted to his body.

‘’Have you watched porn?’’ Finn asked, and James sputtered.

‘’What? The fuck kind of question is that?’’ James asked, blushing hard, for multiple reasons.

‘’You can get ideas from them, if you watched,’’ Finn said.

‘’I find porn mostly gross. I tried before, okay, and the hetero stuff was weird and disgusting, the gay stuff was depraved and ugly. Sex in theory is as far as I can handle,’’ James said.

‘’And yet you find yourself having it right now,’’ Finn said. James flushed at the idea that he was having it currently, he was only 14, turning 15 in July.

‘’This isn’t the same. You don’t see men awkwardly rubbing themselves, clothed, on a bed in porn. Not even vanilla ass porn does that,’’ James said. He might not know much, having only tried it twice, but he knows things from the playground.

‘’Good point, so when’s the time to get unclothed?’’ Finn asked, sitting up from James and putting his hands on his chest as he shifted his hips down James’ crotch.

‘’You do keep bragging about an alleged big dick, that’s yet to make an appearance,’’ James recalled, feeling brave. It’s not as though he hasn’t obsessed over it by now, but he never allowed himself to hope much that it was as mouth-watering as he pictured in his head. Not that he’s thought that aspect so much, really. He didn’t dream too much, because the examples provided from porn were unwieldy and disfigured, really horrifying. James was scared they were all like that, but he wouldn’t be opposed to knowing anyway.

‘’Do you always get cocky when cocks are involved?’’ Finn asked with a smirk. James grinned.

‘’Just yours, since you’re talking so much smack that I can only assume it’s truly underwhelming dimensions,’’ James taunted, actually playing this game. He was even getting excited now, which was insane. Why wasn’t he pissing himself over nerves right now. It was probably to do with Finn’s hypnotising presence. Yeah, that was it. James leaned down again, just short of capturing James’ lips, and stuck his tongue out to lick James’ nose. Their hip movement had reduced to tiny twitches. James’ lower regions were spasming with a desire to get contact, but James’ heart was beating harder at the idea being proposed.

‘’So do you want to?’’ Finn asked. James widened his eyes.

‘’Well, uh. Yeah, if you want to,’’ James said, propping himself up on his elbows, then sitting completely up, chest hammering now. He felt his skin burning with uncomfortable warmth, and knew his body was blushing red without having to see it. His rational mind had been locked in the trunk all this time, and now he was reliably panicking, the feeling he knew he should’ve had this whole time, from the moment Finn leaned in to kiss him. He was scared now, nervous and inexperienced, and feeling every inch of his body and it’s clumsy movements. Finn scooted back, his own face sporting a similar shade of red.

‘’Maybe just start slow,’’ James suggested, and Finn nodded, looking relieved. He lifted his t-shirt up, exposing his stomach, and took his shirt off, throwing it on the floor. James followed his lead, taking his own shirt off and throwing it on the other side of the bed. He allowed himself a few seconds to rake his eyes up Finn’s torso, flushed with a feeling not unlike pure delight when Finn revealed to have the beginnings of toned abs, more prominent on his lanky body than James’ own. James was fine with his own chest, mostly embarrassed for his nipples, which were red and stiff, poking out in a way that made him want to cover them with his hands. He relented, not wanting to appear shy, even if he totally was.

‘’That’s cute,’’ Finn said.

‘’What?’’ James asked. Finn grinned, shuffling forward and covering James’ nipples with his palms.

‘’Is everything cute to you?’’ James asked, feigning irritation, letting Finn hold them. He was so fucking in love with Finn, if it wasn’t already embarrassingly obvious. His life was officially perfect right now, and James would be happy forever if they got to keep doing these amazingly awkward and relieving first encounters.

‘’Just you. Should we take off jeans now?’’ Finn asked. James nodded slowly, and they moved to unfly their zippers. James kept his eyes on Finn, or more accurately his crotch, where his hands fiddled with his zipper, mostly because they’d joked about it priorly. James had been slightly obsessed since, wondering about whether Finn had a big dick or not. He was so intrigued that he didn’t feel embarrassed as he thought he would showing his own, which was currently straining against his jeans. They pulled up onto their knees, James pulling down his jeans past his thighs, and watching Finn follow. James actually gulped when he saw Finn, and his erection visible in his boxers, as far as he could tell, the propaganda regarding Finn’s dick was entirely accurate. He didn’t tear his eyes away as they shucked their jeans off, leaving them in their underwear, awkward boners showing off. James flicked his eyes up to Finn, stuttering a laugh.

‘’Can I see it?’’ James asked quietly, noticing how deathly quiet the room was. It would probably make it less weird with music or something to drown out their nervous swallowing and rustling of sheets as they shifted against the bed. He didn’t dare put anything on, or break from this moment.

‘’Yeah,’’ Finn laughed nervously, but his voice was affected and muggy. ‘’You too though,’’ Finn added.

‘’Alright.’’ James pulled down his boxers along with Finn, refusing to look until they were completely off. He threw them on the floor, and slowly dragged his eyes back down to Finn. He felt like he had double vision, and his breath stuttered when he gazed upon Finn’s cock. It was fucking massive. James has never been a poet, and suddenly regrets the fact that he can’t describe his dick as anything but the word that popped into his mind as soon as he saw it. Mouthwatering.

He’s not even sure what really happened, because he just saw Finn’s dick, and his instincts kicked in before his brain, and before he could understand what he was doing, he’d grabbed Finn’s cock, and started touching it, inspecting it’s full size, and touching himself when he felt it thicken in his hand. And then his brain finally caught up. James looked up to Finn with his mouth open wide in shock, and started laughing at himself when he realised what he’d done, and that he was still holding Finn’s dick with a death drip, stroking his own from the feeling of it.

‘’Holy shit,’’ James said, huffing in disbelief. Finn’s eyes were wide, a blush intensifying across his cheeks, and his own mouth dropped open when James moved his hand down, and back up.

‘’Holy _fucking_ shit,’’ Finn repeated, darting his eyes down. James kept his eyes down in Finn’s lap, entranced by the magnificent thing he had in his hand.

‘’So you were right,’’ James said, his voice barely audible, as he leaned down towards it. Something about the shape, he’d never seen anything like it before, big and red, it’s hard shape angled slightly inwards. James continued to touch it, feeling it’s dimensions with a beating chest and shaking hand, and marvelling at the precome production now sliding down from the head and slicking his hand. James glanced back up at Finn with a nervous guffaw, and Finn looked blown apart, eyes wide and head slightly nodding. James was leaking himself, his mouth was so wet, but he started pumping Finn’s dick, getting a thrill when it thickened in his hand.

Finn shifted where he sat, and he touched James’ face, knocking James out of his little world revolving Finn’s cock. James looked back up at Finn, and they both shuffled forward to kiss, opening their mouths instantly. Finn moved his hand down, softly touching James’ arms, his stomach, waist, and eventually tracked his hand to James’ erection, making him whimper in Finn’s mouth when he stroking it slowly.

‘’Oh fuck, that’s so good,’’ James breathed, pressing kisses to Finn’s lips as they both stroked each other, picking up pace. It wasn’t even that spectacular, in hindsight, getting a handjob, but the fact that this was Finn, he was kissing him through this like he could hardly resist exploring James’ mouth, made this the best thing in the goddamn world. Everything felt frozen except for them, this moment, forever captured in a priceless snow globe, to be shaken, but not disrupted.

‘’I never thought, I mean. I didn’t think you could ever want this,’’ James said, unable to shut his blabber mouth up. Finn shushed his mouth was his unused hand, pumping James’ harder, faster. James’ followed his lead, and they ended up tumbling together backwards on the bed, kissing and coming all over the sheets, making a mess.

James had never imagined anything like this would happen, so turning to face Finn as they breathed through their orgasms, felt so monumental that he felt like doing something dramatic, reciting poetry or singing a song, something gay like that. Finn beat him to it.

‘’Wanna be my boyfriend?’’ Finn asked, leaning on his elbow where he lay facing James. James laughed softly, incapable of anything more cutting. He couldn’t be the soft one all the time.

‘’Only because you’ve got a huge dick,’’ James said, grinning tiredly in a breathless way. That orgasm had taken all of his strength. Finn smirked back.

‘’Lucky for you then. You can have it whenever your sweet heart desires,’’ Finn said theatrically. James managed to pull himself up and put his chin on Finn’s chest, thumbing his nipples absentmindedly.

‘’I still don’t really understand. You seemed like such a womaniser or something, I thought I was just setting myself up for misery,’’ James professed. Finn put his hand on James’ back.

‘’Ironic that I thought the same thing about you. I talked to Dave and Tom and those douchebags, and they all said you were brain damaged or too sheltered by your moms to want a girlfriend, or at least a string of lovers. I was surprised too, that their first thought wasn’t immediately; James is gay. I guess they were sheltered too from that idea,’’ Finn said. James harrumphed, slightly surprised himself. He thought of something then, and his internal bliss was disrupted somewhat.

‘’I suppose it’s not all sunshine coming out either. I don’t think I want to, right now. Is it okay if we just keep it to ourselves or something?’’ James asked, panicking a little now. Maybe Finn wanted to be out there, show off, whatever. James could only think of his parents, and panicked when abstractly imagined their reaction to the news. They’d always talked about him having a girlfriend later on, like it was set for him already, and they’d planned his wedding. James wouldn’t mind that, as long as it was Finn he married, but no. He’s getting ahead of himself.

‘’Yeah, I think that’s smart. I don’t recall coach as inclusive, anyway. Plus my parents, that whole noise. Yeah, let’s keep. Keep it low, or something,’’ Finn said, frowning. James nodded, feeling a new kind of anxiety now. Well shit, it wasn’t unrequited crushes on the same gender anymore, it was keeping a relationship with them secret from the world. So much easier. Said nobody.

‘’So, I say we don’t do like, kissing and shit at school or public. Maybe just keep it to locked bedrooms,’’ James suggested, now queasy with dread, mostly at the thought that they’d have to maintain an air that nothing has changed in front of anyone else, especially parents. Dinner nights would become hell.

‘’Do you know why I chose to sit at the back of the school?''

‘’Not for the goths joyful company, surely,’’ James said.

‘’No, I figured If anything like this happened, we could have a hideout of sorts or something,’’ Finn said.

‘’Is that what you got so pissed off about today?’’ James asked.

‘’Most likely. I was at my end of tolerance dealing with it. I don’t dedicate so much energy into people to be friends, okay? I needed you, and you just blushed like a bitch and ignored it when I was literally giving ‘I can fuck you eyes’,’’ Finn said.

‘’Fuck, how did I miss those? You always look at me with carefree indifference. It’s hard to tell what you’re thinking. I just assumed you were into Sarah, or Mia or something,’’ James said.

‘’Those sluts? They can go screw the football team. Yeah no, I think you confirmed it just then what I really like,’’ Finn said. James flushed, feeling a ridiculous amount of pride for that.

‘’It was my first time too, don’t forget. You’ve basically made me fall for you, and your cock even harder. Congratulations,’’ James said, moving his head back to the pillow. He was distantly aware that they should probably get changed, clean up the spill of come over the sheets and themselves, but he couldn’t tear himself from Finn right this moment.

‘’They brag about them so much in California. Having a big dick, it’s like all the boys could talk about. As you can probably guess, I was popular there.’’

‘’You didn’t show them, did you?’’ James asked, slightly horrified at the thought. This cock, this boy, so obviously belonged to him. Anyone else gazing upon it was just sacrilege.

‘’Shit, of course not. It was just known somehow, maybe from gym or when I was in swimming trunks or something. Though, I can only presume half of them were gay themselves if they took the time to notice,’’ Finn said. James hummed in agreement. The come left on his stomach was cooling, making an uncomfortable, congealed texture that was unsettling him.

‘’We should wash up, this is getting kinda gross,’’ James said, sitting up and observing himself. He had half a mind to be embarrassed by his naked body, but he just wasn’t. He was inappropriately proud, mostly of himself, for even getting this far. And glancing over to Finn’s own nakedness just made the swelling pride worse.

‘’My moms want me home around now,’’ Finn said, glancing at James’ alarm clock on his bedside table. He turned back to James with an apologetic look, and James smiled, warmed that he was remorseful about that.

‘’Go, I’m fine. I gotta wash this shit off me,’’ James said referring to Finn’s come. Finn smirked.

‘’Okay, next time we’ll make sure that ‘shit’ is swallowed, to prevent your bitching,’’ Finn said. James grinned and hit him with his pants, as he struggled to put them back on.

‘’You better be good if you think you deserve that,’’ James teased, mostly thrilled at the idea. There was going to be a motherfucking next time. He turned back towards Finn when he felt his hands on his shoulders. Finn was on his knees on the bed, and slipped his tongue out with the kiss James expected when he turned. Finn put his hands on James’ face, holding him close, and they licked into each other, getting better at kissing with every attempt.

Eventually, they managed to pull away long enough to redress themselves, and look presentable when they left the bedroom. James still felt guilty, like his moms would take one look at him and guess he just had something resembling sex, though he didn’t have any come visible on him right now. He’d have a shower, anyway. Finn wasn’t lucky enough to have crazy hair that matched sex-wrecked hair anyway, so his needed some maintenance to regain its original wavy composure. James helped him out, until he was good enough to go back downstairs not looking like he ejaculated all over Kylie and Stacey’s son in blissful ecstasy.

They crept downstairs anyway, mostly because they felt like his moms would get nosy if they made an appearance. Luckily, no one was in the living room, so they were free to creep out the door without detection. James just stayed outside the door, as Finn turned to leave, back to the next street to his house.

‘’So, um. I’ll see you at school,’’ James said, feeling awkward again, and panicking. Finn nodded.

‘’Yeah, okay, and same rules apply, I guess. It’ll just be like usual,’’ Finn said, sounding uncomfortable. James was sure Finn was thinking about it too, he wanted to kiss him goodbye so badly, suddenly, especially when Finn looked back at him with a pleading expression in his eyes.

‘’Okay, so, um. Maybe just, one more. Till tomorrow,’’ James said anxiously. Finn nodded eagerly, and they both glanced around to make sure no one was around. The houses and road around them was silent, almost ghostlike in the setting sunset. James looked back at Finn, standing on the front doorstep, Finn one step below him, making them equal height. He blushed as they moved closer together, and he tilted his mouth open for Finn when they made contact. He put his hands on Finn’s cheeks as they kissed, wanting to grab him and hoard him forever, and distantly knowing he couldn’t, this would be the most they could get, if even that. Hiding was painful already, but James honestly preferred that to the idea of coming out, dealing with the fallout of that phenomenon.

They released with a gasp, both red faced, mostly from guilt of doing this outside. James was admonishing himself for being reckless like this already, barely an hour after they decided on this.

‘’Okay, go now. See you tomorrow,’’ James said, embarrassed. Finn touched James’ lips once, then turned and walked off to the sidewalk, waving James’ goodbye. James waved back, feeling completely dazed, if not drained of self-control. As soon as he was inside, he closed the door and slide down it, curling in on himself. He didn’t know whether to laugh like a maniac, or sob like a drunk, but he was giddy regardless of his haywire emotions. He got a boyfriend. He got Finn.

‘’James, hun? You okay?’’ His mom, Kylie asked, coming into the living room with a concerned expression. James glanced up at her from his position on the floor, holding his knees.

‘’I’m great, mom. Just great,’’ James said. That was the truth, if very vague and slightly skewed. He was as high as a kite, but he could never let his mother know this without her wanted to know why _. I made out with my crush. We came together. He wants to be my boyfriend. I’m pretty sure I’m fucked, in more ways than one._ No, she couldn’t know. At least not yet, let him take off the training wheels first, take a few months, then tell her.

Even in his delirious state, he knew that was a lie.


	3. Voice smooth like jazz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better late than never- right? Right?
> 
> Oh jeez.

James tended to feel like he was in a constant dream state, not yet awaking into reality, where everything sucked. Life felt like a constant flower parade, colourful and bright, and sweetly scented for miles around. Life finally feeling like he’s grown up, but he was banking on that when he finally got into a relationship. He didn’t spend much time fantasising about this, or writing potential love notes or some shit. That was for girls. The most guys would do is probably jerk off to the thought of their crush or something, leave it at that. That was him anyway, and he was beginning to realise he couldn’t compare himself to other guys. None of them were gay, as far as he knew.

Sometimes he berated himself for going full cliché asshole route, putting anonymous dirty letters in Finn’s locker, just like all the girls still hopelessly attracted to him did, only he made them coded so Finn would know it’s him. He wasn’t sure whether Finn thought he was a douchebag or liked the notes, but he did notice Finn would always take him behind the school in their secret location and make out with him at lunch the day he put the note in. But James couldn’t say for sure, because nearly every day they did that. So far no one had caught on, as far as James was concerned.

They knew the goths were too depressed and anti-conformist to gossip when they saw them kissing, because they usually didn’t refrain. They did comment when the sight of them got too action packed, telling their gay asses to fuck off out of their area. James and Finn never listened.

They sometimes sat back with the boys in their grade, just to throw off suspicions about them disappearing at breaks all the time. Of course the boys made their own assumptions, and didn’t refrain from mentioning them. James denied them all to an inch of his life, and Finn always laughed and encouraged it, annoyingly.

They went home together most afternoons as always, only now they were even more on edge about locking their door, and potential ideas their parents might get from spending conspicuous amounts of time in there, even though they did that before just the same without caring. They had to be extra careful now, extra vigilant. James was still shit scared of his mothers finding out, or thinking of him in any different way. He knew he should tell them, and he should be unafraid. They supported gays, of course, but James just wasn’t ready to be out there in the world. If anything he still felt undeveloped enough to even claim that he was, despite having a boyfriend, despite making out with one every day, and despite having recently starting giving blowjobs, only to become addicted to them. In his wildest dreams did he even imagine having a girlfriend, and it just made him bored and a little annoyed. Also panicked, because he wasn’t good with girls.

But this is where he got confused, because weren’t gay guys supposed to have girl friends? Weren’t they supposed to basically be one of the girls themselves? James relayed his concerns to Finn one day, who just burst out laughing about it.

‘’Dude! You’re such a cliché, you don’t have to go get manicures with chicks and girl talk them if you’re gay,’’ Finn laughed. James huffed and shoved him for finding his naivety so entertaining, blushing in slight embarrassment.

‘’I know that! But, like, there aren’t any gay guys in South Park, I have fuck all clue how you’re supposed to act,’’ James said.

‘’There is no way you’re ‘supposed’ to act. You like fucking dudes instead of chicks, that’s it!’’ Finn said. ‘’Plus, there are so gay guys in South Park.’’

‘’What? Where, I don’t know any,’’ James’ said. Finn poked his tongue out at him.

‘’You’re looking at them bro,’’ Finn grinned.

‘’Oh fuck off,’’ James laughed, and Finn leaned forward and pecked his lips in return. James’ glanced around them just in case. They were behind the school, currently, but the edge of worry that someone could see was always there.

‘’Still freaking out little boy,’’ Finn teased, still leaning close for another kiss. That was another annoying thing he did, he called James little boy like he was so immature, even though this ‘little boy’ was who he was fucking.

‘’I don’t need to get caught right now,’’ James said, grabbing Finn’s chin and guiding him close again when he pulled back.

‘’What’s the worst that would happen if we were?’’ Finn asked, huffing. He knew Finn was getting fed up with hiding now, he’d always been quick to proceed and move on. His fear of coming out ended a few months ago, and now he was just titchy with the need to do it already. It only put more pressure on James, thinking he had to speed up being confident, even though his was fucking fragile enough as it is.

‘’Um, our parents would find out. My moms go on about how I’m gonna meet some nice girl all the time! They think I’m gonna be giving them grandchildren one day!’’ James said, sweating with nerves.

‘’Wait- so we won’t be giving them grandchildren?’’ Finn asked, smirking. James punched him again.

‘’I’m not planning to be a parent jackass!’’ Though he was, secretly. He wanted like five kids. He refused to let Finn know that, because he’d best case scenario laugh in his face, worst case gets scared the fuck off by James premature commitment. Technically, they hadn’t even said ‘I love you’ to each other yet. James couldn’t help think it was just them holding out and trying to be tough. Though James stopped trying so hard, now that he realised he didn’t have to constantly prove his masculinity to keep up an act with himself.

‘’But so what if you don’t. I think your moms are cool, and they obviously accept gay people, I mean c’mon. They’re gay, same as mine. I think you just need to take your gayness out of your ass and hand it to them.’’

‘’Oh, so I’d be handing them your dick?’’ James asked, and they both cracked up. They hadn’t exactly discussed it, but James was pretty sure he was going to be the bottom, when they actually did get around to proper fucking. He wasn’t disappointed or anything, and obviously he already worshipped Finn’s cock. Aha, maybe a little too much.

And maybe he’d thought about it inside him before. But whatever. Whatever!

‘’Okay, hey. How about this? Obviously Kylie and Stacey need to know that you’re being taken care of, even if they’re expecting it to be a girl. So why don’t we up the anti? Act even gayer around our parents, so that when we tell them they won’t be as shocked. And I could kiss up to them like crazy if I wanted, if it helps too, so they know I’m good for you,’’ Finn said. James raised his eyebrows, not quite sceptical of that idea. Slightly surprised Finn managed it, usually he was all jokes and being a clever dumbass.

‘’Oh, so you’re suddenly good for me?’’ James smirked. ‘’I don’t think my parents would agree if they knew what we did in my bedroom every afternoon,’’ James said.

‘’You little tease,’’ Finn said, grinning and pulling James’ lips open with his tongue. James opening his mouth helpfully and let Finn roam it hotly. They kept making out for a while, James completely forgot what they were doing.

‘’So, that’s a good idea!’’ James gasped against Finn’s lips when he remembered. Finn nodded quickly before frantically pulling James back to him, kissing hard again.

**

James had been getting shit from the class all the time, so hearing that his moms were planning him a big sixteenth birthday party, was the worst news he could’ve heard. All he could think about was how they’d continue their taunts at his house, making jokes, and dooming him when his moms caught on and followed with their own questions and suspicions. Admittedly, they weren’t so relentless, as Finn often assured him, but he freaked out about it anyway, sure it meant they’d finally caught on. He didn’t exactly know why his mothers even hinting that truth scared the absolute crap out of him, but it did, and he wasn’t in any place to be comfortable telling them.

‘’Mom, please, I don’t wanna invite all the boys over here- it’s embarrassing!’’ James pleaded in the kitchen one afternoon when Kylie surprised him with decorations she got earlier in the day.

‘’I don’t understand, you always wanted parties on your birthday!’’ Kylie said, frowning and looking through the bag of tacky decorations for young kids. ‘’You’d throw a fit when we _wouldn’t_ throw you birthday parties.’’

‘’I just-‘’ James exchanged a glance with Finn, who was currently making quick work of the leftover pumpkin pie Stacey made the other night. He wished Finn would say something to save him here, but Finn made it known earlier that he was never getting involved in their family shit when it came to this. ‘’Finn, help me out here.’’

Finn looked up from his pie, his mouth full. James gestured him to freaking help him out, for fuck’s sake. They’d agreed earlier the smaller party the better. Truthfully James would rather just spend the afternoon with Finn like always, maybe wash down a game of pick up ball with cake and soft drink. ‘’Not getting involved dude.’’

James groaned. Kylie sighed and put away the bag.

‘’Will you at least tell me what you want to do instead? You’ve gotta have something in mind,’’ Kylie reasoned. James exchanged at look with Finn, who raised his eyebrows. Obviously they had some ideas, but they involved stuff that they’d only heard about at high school parties. Thomas had said he could get beer from his dad, and James had been intrigued enough to try it. His mom’s hid their alcohol like territorial lions. Finn and James may have tried to obtain some of their stash before, to no avail. Kenna and Marj were even stricter about it.

‘’Well?’’

‘’Um, maybe just make it a few friends? And make it- like, a high school party-‘’ James tried, wincing for her reaction.

‘’What! Ha, that’s a no,’’ Kylie scoffed

‘’No, I don’t mean that,’’ James amended quickly, panicking. ‘’I mean like- without, you know- you.’’

Kylie stared at him as though she didn’t hear them properly, and her face morphed grimly when she understood.

‘’You don’t want me and your mom at your party,’’ Kylie said dryly, not really posing it as a question. James looked down, twiddling his hands nervously to avoid looking even more quilty.

‘’Mom, I just feel like I’m too old to be having those kind of parties- and we wouldn’t get in trouble or anything! I’m responsible!’’ James assured her.

‘’I’m responsible too Mrs Broflovski,’’ Finn added.

‘’Shut the fuck up,’’ James said, shoving him in embarrassment. His mom would figure out they’re full of shit any second if Finn tried to act innocent and good. They all knew he was a troublemaker by now. He couldn’t pile on the act when they first met forever. He sucked at acting. Finn giggled- even more non-helpfully. They were so doomed to spend this party with the rest of his gross fucking class. Girls would flirt with them, guys would rag on them presistantly and call them gaymos. And worst of all, his mothers would hear all of it.

‘’Language boys!’’ Kylie warned, looking annoyed. Oh, maybe she only cared about them swearing. Hah, James felt instant relief that they weren’t figured out.

‘’But, mom, we can take care of things. We wouldn’t misbehave- and it would just be a few boys in class!’’ James said, continuing.

‘’You wouldn’t invite any girls?’’ Kylie asked suspiciously. James thought for a second she was connecting dots. Why wouldn’t he want girls at his sixteenth? Any straight guy would be begging his moms to let girls come, to he could flirt with them, maybe make out with the prettiest one? God forbid even try and lead on to hook up. There were about 2 guys in the class who’d already lost their virginity, as they so bragged about. James suspected at least one was lying.

But no, his mom was wondering if he’d take advantage of his birthday without parental supervision. She didn’t want him to be a player- he had to remember that.

‘’No, mom!’’ James said adamantly. Kylie made a face at him, then smiled.

‘’So it would just be a few friends from class? Like Petey, Johnson? Thomas?’’ Kylie asked.

‘’Umm, yeah- basically,’’ James answered, looking at Finn. ‘’And Finn of course.’’

‘’Honey, I don’t think I could separate you two if I tried. It’s basically Finn’s party too if anything.’’

James laughed nervously. Oh jesus. Well Finn wanted to be more obvious, and now he realised they’d been obvious the whole time without even knowing it

‘’You’re not wrong Mrs Broflovski,’’ Finn chuckled. Considering their new plan to act gayer, Finn was already a natural. James was kind of left in the dirt about it- too nervous to commit to the role. It made him think of how he’d be acting if he was completely out to the town. No hiding, everyone knew he was gay, and with Finn. He would probably act the same- maybe. He was a little afraid. There was this old out gay guy in town called Al that had apparently been there since his moms were kids, and he was so ridiculously flamboyant that James would get second-hand humiliation from him. He couldn’t imagine being that way in a million years.

‘’Are we at least allowed to make you a cake? Party food? Decorate a little?’’ Kylie asked.

‘’Um, yeah you can do that. Maybe hold on the decorations though,’’ James said.

‘’How will people know my baby is turning sixteen though?’’ Kylie asked. James flushed, hating that Finn was hearing but knowing he’d witnessed _a lot_ worse since his time being connected to James’ hip.

‘’Mom, stoppp,’’ James said, hiding his face from this cruelty. He felt hands trying to pry his away from his face, and he knew it was Finn being a dick again. Fine, he wants him to pile on the gay? That’s just fine!

James batted Finn’s hands away and smirked with his eyes.

‘’Stop it dad!’’ James said faux pathetically, making a pouty face that Finn was very familiar with. Usually before their scheduled oral. Finn expectantly looked excited, pupils fattened. He grinned evilly.

‘’ _Daddy_ needs to check your face for being too much like a tomato,’’ Finn said, taking hold of James’ now squirming wrists. James only vaguely heard his mother’s snicker over his hot face and hotter lower abdomen. What kind of losers were they that this shit got them aroused. Seriously.

‘’You boys best be careful acting like that in public, you’ll get embarrassed if people get the wrong idea,’’ Kylie said. James widened his eyes at James as she said it, heading out of the room without looking back at them. James mouthed a _what the fuck_ to Finn- who shrugged.

‘’Ha-ha, yeah,’’ James said loudly, trying to sound oblivious, and hoping to god she wasn’t suspecting. Although no- didn’t they want her to now? To soften any blows later right?

They spoke quietly until they were sure she was gone from earshot.

‘’The fuck dude!’’ James hissed.

‘’Hey, it’s good man. We want her to suspect yeah?’’ Finn said. ‘’Way to go calling me daddy,’’ he laughed.

‘’Shut up!’’ James blushed, punching Finn’s arm.

‘’Would you be willing to do that again?’’ Finn said impishly.

‘’I’m gonna kick your ass if you do that again,’’ James warned, holding Finn’s shirt and trying to look dominant. No way he was being dominated.

‘’You’re gonna kick my ass?’’ Finn laughed haughtily, like he knew James was full of shit. James tried to make himself look bigger and tougher, glaring.

Finn only leaned forward, looking wild in the eyes and letting his canine show as he smirked like a panther. Okay, panthers don’t smirk. Scratch that.

He leaned into James’ ear hotly, whispering ‘’wanna go fuck?’’

‘’Dude!’’ James’ admonished, hitting him. Blushing, goddamn.

‘’No, no. hear me out,’’ Finn continued to whisper, not losing any confidence in his voice. ‘’Wanna go fuck right now- under this roof. So your mom can hear you swallowing down my dick and begging for it to take your ass virginity,’’ Finn said.

So James was a beating hard tomato, pushing Finn up the stairs and telling him to shut the fuck up when he giggled.

He did swallow down Finn’s hot come, on his knees while Finn sat on the bed and tugged his curls hard, and feeling the sting of his scalp while Finn returned the favour. They didn’t actually fuck that night, Finn saying he was too tired and wasn’t sure James could take it anyway. James agreed, but he was growing concerned that the act was spoken so candidly between them, like it was no big thing. James wanted Finn to take it- couldn’t imagine anyone else. But maybe like- make it special? More momentous than some random afternoon they take their horniness out on each other.

James wanted some kind of reassurance that James was special to Finn. Not just some hot piece of ass that was easy to claim day one. Sometimes it felt like that. James’ wanted something more. He didn’t know what, but even the smallest gesture could sustain him that this could work. Because he was in love with Finn.

**Author's Note:**

> [Follow me if you choose :3](https://www.instagram.com/lozislaw/)


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